Listen with Your Eyes…

 

Effective listening is essential to good leadership. Many MMMs have focused on the importance of attentive, interactive listening when others are speaking. But that’s not the only kind of listening that matters. It’s also critical to listen with your eyes.

You can learn a lot by observing how people interact with one another. Watch their body language and their attitudes. Look for team members who are exerting positive or negative influence at work. Pay attention to changes in someone’s mood or behavior. Watch closely how your coworkers respond to one another in meetings.

This doesn’t come naturally to me. I’ve been caught off guard more than once by something that was happening right in front of me, something I should have noticed. But I’m working on being more aware. I’ve come to realize how important this kind of listening is to my leadership.

You can learn a lot when you open your eyes and close your mouth. Great leaders understand the power of listening with their eyes.

Communicating

 

If you follow the MMM you know I have written a lot on listening. Focused and intentional listening is powerful. But let’s look at the other aspect of communication. That is the role of the communicator. Communication is a two-way street between the communicator and the listener. The real burden is on the communicator. They are the ones delivering a message. They are the ones trying to make a point. It is their job to successfully convey their intended message. All the great listening in the world cannot overcome a poorly delivered concept or idea.

The next time you feel the urge to say, “Would you just listen to what I am saying?”, consider pausing and reviewing your delivery as the communicator. The burden is on the sender of the message. 

Have a blessed week.

Conversations in Your Own Head

 

Do you talk to yourself?  Maybe not literally out loud, but do you have conversations with yourself in your own head?  I know I do, and I have to believe that most people do.  Is there a voice in your head that you cannot help but listen to? How do those conversations go?  Are they positive, encouraging and uplifting? Or are they negative, downgrading and discouraging.  All too often for me they can be the latter. 

 

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Maybe not everyone is. Those that have mastered the ability to be positive and self-assuring in their own minds are likely to be more successful and maybe happier all around; It is not an easy task.  We should understand that we need to be our own best friend, our own greatest supporter and biggest fan.  Why not? 

 

I am not suggesting arrogance here. I am suggesting that we need to be positive about ourselves in our own minds. We need to talk ourselves up, be encouraging.  Nothing but good can come from that. There are plenty of negative influences out there today. We do not need another one in our own head!  Listen to your positive self in your own mind! 

The Voice of Adventure

 

There is a rawness and a wonder to life.  Pursue it. Hunt for it. Sell out to get it. Don’t listen to the whining of those who have settled for a second-rate life and want you to do the same. You can build a fire in the hearth, stay inside, and stay warm and dry and safe…Or you can hear the voice of adventure. Instead of building a fire in your hearth, build a fire in your heart.  Follow God’s impulses. Adopt the child. Move overseas. Teach the class. Change careers. Run for office. Make a difference. Sure it isn’t safe, but what is.

This MMM taken from Grace for the Moment by Max Lucado.

Volume

 

Is it productive for anger and frustration to be expressed through increased volume?  Do strong leaders become loud to convey important facts?  Is yelling truly a better way to communicate urgency?  I suggest that the answer to all these questions is no. 

 

Unfortunately, I do not always live that way.  It is a very human reaction to “get loud” in certain circumstances.  Other than large crowds, great distances, and of course sporting events, what good is loud screaming?  The person you are communicating with was probably hearing you just fine before you got emotional and turned up the volume.  Sure, voice inflection and some degree of volume change can be used in communicating a message, but not out and out yelling.  Communication with excess volume can foster anger and disrespect.  It undermines good leadership, and it can feel demeaning and degrading to the listener.  Consider this the next time you feel the volume increasing for no good reason. 

 

“The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success,
his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one
of the beautiful jewels of wisdom” -- James Allen 

Choose your Me…

Have you seen the Zillow commercial with the woman looking to buy a home talking to the multiple versions of herself?  It ran frequently during the Olympics. The ad is named “Susan’s” and you can see the company name in the background, Susan & Susan. What a great depiction of the voices we all have in our heads.  Susan has her negative me and her stressed me.  She also has a helpful me and a spontaneous me, along with gullible, anti-social, paranoid and stressed versions of herself?

Most of the versions of Susan depicted in the ad are negative characteristics.  That is so realistic! The negative voices in my head always outnumber the positive ones.  Why is that? In the commercial, all the versions of the Susan’s are seated at a large conference table.  Why do we let negative me and lazy me even have seats at the table? Unfortunately, it is hard not to.  We seem to gravitate to the negative version of ourselves.  Our goal should be to fill the table with all the positive me’s!  There are plenty to choose from, positive me, confident me, talented me, respected me, and accomplished me.  To name a few. That is who we need to listen to.  Those are the versions of you that you want at your table.

Don’t invite negative me to your table!

Fill in the Blank!

I am a good ______________.

What comes to mind when you consider how to complete the above sentence?  Are your first thoughts about your career?  Maybe, they are about a hobby or a sport.  I believe that we are all basically good.  It is important for us to remind ourselves of that, and to remind ourselves to strive to be good in the different roles in our life.  What if you had to complete the sentence and it could not be about your profession, a sport or hobby?  Think introspectively about yourself as a person.  What about things like friend, listener, and advocate?   Or what about family roles like parent, daughter or sibling?  What does it mean to you to be good in these roles?  What about just using the word person?

Think about it.  Fill in the blank about yourself and strive to live out that statement!

Clear Communication

Misunderstandings in communication take place when intent differs from interpretation.  Good communicators strive to clarify their point to avoid misunderstandings.  It is easy to assume that our intended message was understood.  Since we understand what we are saying, we believe that others will understand as well.  That is just not the case.  Our individual minds work differently, and we all listen and interpret differently.  Never assume that your message has been properly understood. The first step in resolving any misunderstanding should be to clarify the message. To avoid misunderstandings all together, strive for clear communications without room for misinterpretation. 

As leaders and managers, as well as parents and spouses, it is critical that we communicate clearly.  Doing so can eliminate conflict before it ever gets started.  Just put yourself in the shoes of your intended listener, who does not have the benefit of knowing how you are thinking.  Would you understand the message being delivered?  Avoid misunderstandings by clarifying your message. Consider the quote below.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

– George Bernard Shaw

The Lost Art of Listening

If you have been around the MMM for very long, you know my passion for listening. It is likely the most discussed topic in this blog. Stephen Covey talks about how we only listen for the sake of being heard.  We really don’t listen at all, because we are too busy planning what we are going to say next.  Listening is a lost art.  It requires effort.  Unfortunately, we do not have the time or temperament to put in the effort these days.

Addressing the political and racial divides facing this country requires work.  We must take the time to understand one another, to listen to varying viewpoints and different opinions. Listening requires understanding, it does not mean we have to change our opinion. It feels like we are afraid that if we take the time to listen, and truly understand, that we will be forced to change our mind about something.  Understanding does not require agreement, but it does require listening.

It is too easy to hide behind the keyboard on social media or hop on the latest wave of hysteria without taking the time to listen and learn. Listening is a powerful tool.  It makes you a better person, it helps you broaden your perspective. More importantly is the feeling it gives to the one speaking.  There is nothing more powerful you can do than to listen genuinely and intently to another human.  We all want to be heard.  Take some time to be the one doing the listening, not just the one talking. 

God gave us two ears and one mouth.  We should use them in that ratio.  Listen….

Leadership Doesn't Change

A lot has happened over the last four years, especially in just the last 12 months, but what has really changed? In some regards what is really important has not changed much at all. The below MMM could have been written today. It was actually published four years ago on February 6, 2017. The ingredients for great leadership have not changed and are even more important today.

Leadership Today

 

After just one month of 2017 and two weeks into the term of a new President, we find our country to be in interesting and challenging times.  Our political and social landscape is changing, seems incredibly delicate, and is actually very contentious.  The world of social media has forever changed how information is disseminated and opinions are formed.  That is not necessarily a change for the better.  We are quick to make judgments; we fail to research facts; we condemn too quickly.  It is way too easy to be extremist and hateful from the safety of an iPhone or keyboard.  We also think it takes too much time to truly listen, educate ourselves and fully understand issues.  The issues are passionate, significant ones.  The extremely divided opinions on many of these topics is both surprising and totally understandable.  But remember, varying viewpoints, backgrounds and beliefs are what makes this country great.      

 What does all of this mean for those striving to be great leaders?  Let me suggest…

·         Be bold but thoughtful

·         Ensure that passions and convictions are well supported by facts

·         Drawing lines in the sand and jumping to conclusions are short sighted behaviors

·         There is power in being positive even in debate

·         Every thought or opinion, political or otherwise, that crosses one’s mind does not have to be posted to social media

·         Don’t believe, nor become enraged by, everything you read on the internet or social media

·         Be careful of the momentum of the bandwagon; groups with common beliefs often feed off themselves without considering differing viewpoints

·         Most importantly…  Listen, truly listen with the intent to understand.

Take a Breath Before You Speak

The strategy itself is remarkably simple.  It involves nothing more than pausing and taking a breath or two before you respond to someone who has just spoken to you.  At first, the silent gap may seem like an eternity, but in reality, it amounts to only a fraction of a second of time.

Observe the conversations around you, you will notice that many of us are simply waiting for our chance to speak.  We are not listening to others, but simply waiting for an opening and the opportunity to express our own viewpoint. Truly listening requires patience and discipline.  Don’t miss the opportunity to hear what is being said because you are planning what to say next.

This harried form of communication encourages us to criticize points of view, overreact, misinterpret meaning, and form opinions, all before our fellow communicator is even finished speaking.  No wonder we are so often annoyed, bothered, and irritated with one another.  With our poor listening skills, it is a miracle that we have any friends at all!  Are you listening?  Does this ring a bell?

No need to worry that you won’t get your turn to speak, you will.  In fact, it will be more rewarding to speak because the person you are speaking to will pick up on your respect and patience and will begin to do the same.  

Portions taken from Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, By Richard Carlson, Ph.D.

Listening, now more than ever…

Real conversations about uncomfortable topics cannot be held without genuinely listening.  If you follow the MMM, you know my thoughts on the importance of listening.  It is a critical skill that is needed now more than ever!  As an additional follow up to the Special Edition MMM from June 3^rd, consider the following…

·       Make the effort, it takes effort, to listen and understand the perspective of others

We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.  Often, we are either speaking or preparing to speak.  Think about what it means to listen with the intent to understand.  I mean seeking first to understand, to really understand.  To understand someone does not imply that you agree with them.  It means that you honor them with attentively listening and you truly care about their viewpoint. 

The issues we are facing in this country require conversations, which requires listening, which requires effort.  Take the time.  Make the effort.  Listen!

How do you treat others?

What do you think about when you hear that question?  There are basic considerations like opening doors for others and letting people go first in line.  There are also daily pleasantries like saying “how are you” and “thank you”.  In my mind there is one true measure of how we treat people that ranks above all others; the way we speak to someone.  What we say, and often more importantly, how we say it, is the key to how we treat people.  Our words are powerful.  Our tone can be harmful.  Our decision to talk or listen sends a message. 

Never underestimate the power of the spoken work.  Unfortunately, that spoken word is easy to use in anger and retaliation. It is the first thing we use without thinking when responding to someone.  It can be made hurtful by the words we choose and the tone with which they are said.  However, the spoken word can also be used to lift someone up, to show true love and support, to encourage and to teach.  It can communicate our deepest feelings and share our most private thoughts.  The power is ours.  We make the choice about exactly how to use the power of a spoken word.  How we talk to people is the true barometer of how we treat them. 

So, when you open your mouth today think about how you really treat others?

Consider your impact…

We all impact the lives of those around us.  It is inevitable, as is the way that people impact our lives each and every day.  The challenge is to impact people positively.  The greater challenge is to proactively impact people positively.  Never underestimate the impact you have on others just during normal daily encounters.  Try to consciously have a positive impact during those encounters.  We all have gifts.  We should strive to use those gifts in order to beneficially impact those around us.  Consider all of the uplifting ways you might be able to impact people during your day.

• Encourage
• Support
• Console
• Be an example
• Share
• Pray for
• Advise
• Teach
• Listen

Consider your impact on those around you, and do so positively.  What will your impact be today?

Volume

Is it productive for anger and frustration to be expressed through increased volume?  Do strong leaders become loud to convey important facts?  Is yelling truly a better way to communicate urgency?  I suggest that the answer to all of these questions is no.  Unfortunately, I do not always live that way.  It is a very human reaction to “get loud” in certain circumstances.  Other than large crowds or great distances, and of course sporting events, what good is loud screaming?  The person you are communicating with was probably hearing you just fine before you got emotional and turned up the volume.  Sure, voice inflection and some degree of volume change can be used in communicating a message, but out and out yelling, no.  Communication with excess volume can foster anger and disrespect.  It can undermine good leadership and it can feel demeaning and degrading to the listener.  Consider this the next time you feel the volume increasing for no good reason. 

The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success,
his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one
of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. --James Allen 

We choose…

Every day we make choices, we choose to:

• be patient or impatient
• be kind or unkind
• actively listen or passively wait to voice our view
• be selfless or selfish
• be forgiving or resentful
• act with humility or behave arrogantly
• be honest or deceitful
• be loving or not to love
• smile or frown

Notice that I said “we choose”.  I did not say we “can” choose.  We do make these choices every day, whether consciously or subconsciously.  How do you choose?

Undivided Attention

As leaders, mentors and even friends, one of the greatest gifts we can give others is our undivided attention.  While that may sound simple, consider what it really means.  With deadlines, meetings, email, texts and cell phones, how often do you really give someone your undivided attention?  It is incredibly easy for our thoughts to drift to something we consider more urgent.  Glancing at a buzzing phone or checking our email is oh so tempting.  But, there is really nothing more urgent than what we are being told by our peers, subordinates and friends.  Giving someone your attention allows them to speak and truly be heard.  It allows them to feel positive about their relationship with you.  It allows you to focus on what you are being told and learn something from their perspective.  It is a foundational piece of the human relationship.  It is even more important between a leader and follower.  Loyal associates deserve your undivided attention.  This principle is even truer at home with spouses and children!  Try it, you might learn something, and you will be appreciated!